Lock Up Your Kids, The Pope’s In Town
Good lord, Bless Christ and Hallefeckingloolahhhh, the queer hating, woman hating, racist, aids promoting, bigoted, paedophile defending arse hole that is Pope Benedict XVI is in the UK. Fan-fucking-tastic!
We don’t let other retarded threats to cibil liberty into the country, so why the hell do we let this prick in?
He started off by ‘blessing’ Scotland and the whole of the UK. Don’t fucking bless me you twat. I don’t believe in the crap you spout, I don’t believe in the hatred you promote and I don’t want your dirty fingers blessing any part of me you racist piece of scum. This is all just my opinion of course, but not one that I am alone in having.
According to his Arse-Holyness the UK is some sort of devil worshiping hell hole. No in fact we’re not, it’s just that thankfully most of the residents of the UK are too intelligent (even the Scousers) to believe in a 2000 year old fairy-tale. And more than that, they’re too sensible to belive in the crap that comes out of your fecking hole.
About 20,000 intelligent, smart, sensible people marched in London AGAINST the pope the other day. Too right. If I could have made it I would, but I 100% support their cause. Why has the UK spend a huge sum of money to allow this visit? Why do we even let this prick into the country? Why has a man in a stupid hat who talks shit all day while protecting paedophiles even allowed into the country? He may not have done any of the old ‘slip and slide’ himself but that doesn’t make him any less GUILTY!!
In particular, the movement criticises the Vatican for:
- “opposing the distribution of condoms and so increasing large families in poor countries and the spread of Aids”
- “promoting segregated education”
- “denying abortion to even the most vulnerable women”
- “opposing Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender rights, including universal decriminalisation of homosexuality”
- “failing to address the many cases of abuse of children within its own organisation”
THAT’S SOME PRETTY FECKIN’ GOOD REASONS NOT TO LIKE THE GUY IF YOU ASK ME!!!
Fantastic, wonderful celebrities like Sir Ian McKellen, Terry Pratchett, Richard Dawkins and Steven Fry have all spoken out about the evil, worthless waste of life that is Pope Benedict XVI. And that’s a great reason why I or no other CrazyShout writer will ever write a derogitory article about those guys. They are the sort of people that make this country great. People who are themselves and who are not afraid to speak their minds. People who don’t fall under the spell of this evil organisation that is the Vatican.
In short, and please pardon my language…. FUCK THE POPE!!
Gene Therapy To Solve World Hunger
Now let me start off by saying I’m no scientist. I kinda liked burning stuff at school and those rolls of Magnesium tape were just awesome. Highly flammable materials and kids, the perfect mix.
Anyway it appears to me that there is a very simple way of curing world hunger. And it’s NOT genetically modifying plants. Oh no. It’s genetically modifying the people themselves.
Picture this, a starving African/Ethiopian/wherever child. They’re laying in the hot sun all hungry, and they’re surrounded by flies. Now correct me if I’m wrong (although I’ll just go ‘lah lah lah’ and pretend I cant hear you) but surely they could just eat the damn flies. Granted it’s not a juicy cheese burger, but the little blighters must hold some sort of nourishment. And let’s be fair, when you’re starving you’re not really in a position to be picky.
So my big plan… no brace yourselves, this get’s very scientific…. my big plan… Cross breed starving people with frogs! Hey presto, problem solved.
Just imagine row after row of (formerly) starving children merrily plucking flies from the air with their freakishly frog-like tongues. No more starvation, it keeps ‘em busy, and it would drastically cut back on those pesky flies.
So Bono, next time you feel like slapping your mug on some sort of save the world-type campaign why not volunteer to front our cause…. Stop Hungry People By Making Them Half Frog Like 2011
(aka SHPBMTHFL…… that might need some work!)
Great Steaming pile Of Big Brother
A long last the utter waste of air-time that is Big Brother is coming to an end… but not without another pathetic attempt to claw back viewers by getting a bunch of previous ”Big Brother Stars” back into the house to eat, sleep, talk about shit and generally try a squeeze a few last gasps of life out of their dwindling careers.
Instead of making these hopeless losers attempt obstacle courses or whatever the feck they do to pass the time, why dont the producers just drop a live (and very hungry) lion into the house and watch the mayhem that ensues. I for one would watch that. In fact I’d most likely pleasure myself over Brian Dowling being disemboweled by a lion. Seriously, thinking about it is moistening my pants.
The fact the that show has gone on for so long is a testament to… well, the fact there is very little imagination in British TV these days. A heap of re-hashed shows, repeats and the same pathetic tired reality tv shows tweaked and re-branded, hosted by Ant and Dec and crammed into the faces of the British public. It”s all gob shite. The sooner Big Brother is off the air the better.
I’m not delusional though. This last series and the 4 or so million people that watched the finale the other night will no doubt mean that the show rears its retarded, mutated, sickening head again on another channel. It will no doubt be ”All New” and ”Totally Re-Invented”… which of course means that it will be exactly the same but next time Davina will be in a leather turtle costume or something equally sickening to look at.
Cameron Breeds
Here in the Uk we are blessed with a mightly leader, a brave and powerful leader, a leader who knows his shit…. well, I could say that but to be honest it”s total and utter shit! In fact we have a pathetic waste of space for a leader who looks a lot like a giant rubber dildo, and an equally pathetic (also arse-licking) deputy PM in that snivelling waste of nancy boy space that is known as ”Clegg’
Well our great and wonderful PM has just had another sprog.
We’re not going to slag off the wee nipper…. thay haven’t done anything yet. But the dad is our PM so thankfully with this being a free country I can say whatever the hell I like about the tosser. And he is just that, a posh, stuck-up public school boy tosser who thinks he knows how to run a country even though he has no clue what most of the people in it live like. Most people in the UK were not in posh schools where the big boys would spank out arses in the locker rooms… most of us didn”t suck our way to the top in the back of dark musty broom cuboards at number 10.
Most of us don’t look, act and talk like a giant dildo…. I know I”ve already said he looks like a dildo, but have a good look, seriously. He really does.
Remember that giant cartoon condom fella… he looks just like that. Or maybe the love-child of that cartoon condom and a shaved hamster. It”s kinda odd. he has one of those faces you want to punch, but you”d be scared that it might be a bit sticky. Eeeew, Cameron good. Bet he smells like sink un-blocker too. Sorta clean, but chemical clean…..Anyway, I digress. Congrats to our mighty leader on the birth of your new child, but for fecks sake don”t let them go into politics. the last thing we need is another Cameron in politics.
We already have far too many wankers running the country!
Ban Religion
Here’s an idea… to solve 90% of all the world’s trouble why don’t the governments of the world ban ‘preaching’. I don’t want to ban religion, I truly believe that each and every person on this planet has the right to believe whatever the hell they like. Believe in your gods and messiahs and whatever it is that you believe is the way to go… but for fu*ks sake, SHUT UP ABOUT IT!
In my ideal world every single person could freely believe whatever they like, they just couldn’t try to convert other to believe the same. They wouldn’t be allowed to knock on my door and hand me leaflets about some magician who lived a couple of thousand years ago. They couldn’t stand on street corners shouting like maniacs about the end of the world and how their god is going to strike me down just because I like to look at porn and laugh when a granny falls over. Nobody in the world would be allowed to try and convert me…. if they did they’d get locked away in a dark cellar for the rest of their days.
I love religion, it’s just great! I’m not religious at all, but I love the diversity, the culture, the history behind religions and the people that follow them. It’s an endless barrel of knowledge and film scripts…. but why the hell can’t that just be enough. If you’re so into your chosen religion then just stick to practicing it, go to church, say your prayers and whatever else you do…… but don’t, for fecks sake try to brainwash others into following too.
Religion is an attractive option to many people. I expect it can be a great comfort to have faith in a higher power. When you’re feeling alone, or when you’ve lost a loved one it’s probably a huge comfort to people to believe that there is a god, or that there is more than just this life… Well fine, go for it. But why not just be happy with the fact that you have faith, and that you’ve found your calling… without trying to recruit other vulnerable and weak people.
I’m starting my own religion… Scicuntiology…. our only aim will be to get the most out of life while where here. Preaching is banned…. we have no god or Jesus figure, just little old me saying ‘stop waisting your time trying to change other people and chill out.’
Tom ‘Bum-monkey’ Cruise
If there is one person in this world that I hate more than any other, it’s the midget lesbian smart-arsed twat, Tom Cruise. He is just so fecking slimy, and gahhhh…. If I met him I’d have to punch him in the face, I just couldn’t help myself. I’d probably keep on punching until my hands were bloody stumps dangling off my arms… I hate him that much!
He acts at about the same level as a Saturday morning children’s TV presenter, with leprosy. He has as much talent as…. nah, scrap that.. he has NO TALENT WHATSOEVER. All he does is use his millions of pounds to buy up half decent scripts and the rights to films to try make him look good. Everything he’s ever done is shit! He married quite a nice lass in Katie Holmes and turned her into some odd kind of prisoner.
He’s the spokesman for the most pathetic and worthless ‘religion’ in the known universe, and he’s so far up his own chuff he can look down on the rest of the fecking world through his fecking teeth. The only way I would ever pay any attention to this pathetic looser is if he got a horrible bone wasting disease, then I’d visit him and get him to give me a signature with his gammy flaking fingers, before they fell off. At least that way I could make a few quid from him, and I wouldn’t feel the need to visit his grave and defecate on it…… Tom, you are indeed the most pathetic and worthless person the world has ever seen, congratulations!
Who’d win in a fight…Ba (Mr T) ‘V’ Ghandi…
It’s another age old question.. who would win in a fight between 80′s hard man and all round cool bloke, Mr T, and Ghandi, the bandy legged do-gooder?
Let’s look at how they size up against each other…
Mr T (aka Kick Ass Cool Bloke BA Baracus… who was actually born as Laurence Tureaud…. wonder why he changed his name?)
He was the A-Team’s hard man.. what more do you want us to say? That alone makes him one of the hardest and coolest people who ever lived. Add to that the fact that he beat up Rocky (yeh, maybe he lost later but to start with he battered Mr Balboa into a bloody quivering pulp). So.. he was in the A-Team, and he beat up Rocky. God couldn’t even do that. Compared to Mr T God is a bit of a wuss actually. In fact, rumor has it that God sometimes rings Mr T for fashion and cookery advice.. that’s how damn cool he is.
The guy started his career as a bodyguard for celebs. They knew how hard he was (and is). In his early days he actually protected the like of Muhammad Ali, Steve McQueen, Michael Jackson, Leon Spinks, Joe Frazier….. I mean… seriously.. how much harder can you get than being Ali’s bodyguard. Ali is proper hard and he hired Mr T to protect him from mentals and crazy slags. Frikkin’ awsome!!! Steve McQueen (worlds coolest man ever, as voted for by the fine people at CrazyShout) got Mr T to be his bodyguard… I’m moist just thinking about it.
We could go on all day about how cool this guy is… He was Hulk Hogans tag-team partner for the first ever Wrestle Mania…. man, what a legend!
Ghandi (aka Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, aka Bandy Legged Do-Gooder)
Ghandi was a lover not a fighter. He believed in peaceful protest, and fought his battles through prayer and by generally pi**ing off the bad guys by refusing to raise a hand to them. As we all know, Bad Guys like a good fight and Ghandi just wasn’t having any of it. Now that’s not to say the guy was a wuss. He wasn’t. By being such a stubborn do-gooder (meant in the kindest way possible), he got on the tits of some pretty nasty people. He was always in danger of assassination (that’s how the poor guy eventually went) but kept going on his peaceful mission because his beliefs were so strong. Much credit to the guy, that takes a lot of balls. (In fact, rumor has it that Ghandi’s balls were so massive he had to hire Mr T to protect them on public outing…… this is totally unfounded).
He didn’t go in for flashy chains and wide-screen Tv’s, instead choosing to live modestly in his peaceful community. He fasted, he prayed, and he brought hope to millions of people. That’s one hell of a job. Just ask David Blaine.. he’s been trying to be all ‘Jesusy’ for years now and he’s just an annoying c**t. Ghandi on the other hand was quite a cool little bloke.
But now onto the big question… who’d win in a fight between the hard man of the 80′s Mr T, and the peace promoting tiny bloke, Ghandi??
Dumb question, Mr T would batter him! He beat Rocky for fudge sake, and Rocky was so hard he could punch a hole in a cow.
It’s that simple really, he’d smash Ghandi to bit. But alas, it’s never going to happen. Even if Mr T wasn’t promoting nutty chocolate bars, and even if Ghandi hadn’t been assassinated by a Hindu radical back in 1948, they would never get into fisty-cuffs. For one, Ghandi was a peaceful sort of fellow, and secondly as if Mr T would never hit him anyway. Mr T is hard as nails but he’s a lovely bloke too. You only have to listen to his 1984 album Mr. T’s Commandments to realise how much of a damn lovely fellow he is.
Tom Cruise ‘V’ Chuck Norris
It’s another age old question…’ Who would win in a fight between Tom Cruise and Chuck ‘The Furry Fist’ Norris?’
Well obviously it would be Chuck Norris. He’s batter the hell out of that whiney little shrimp Tom Cruise. Yeh, you may have been in Mission Impossible mr Cruise face, but you were rubbish, and the Chuckster would stamp on your beady little head. He’s well hard you know!
Back in the eighties Chuckster was considered the hardest thing on the planet… even harder than Mr Miagi and Mr T combined. And that’s saying a hell of a lot because as everybody knows, Mr T only eats metal piping and gravel. Mr Miagi eats any old rubbish, but he’d still kick the crap out of a tiger with his Kung-Fu ways. On a side note, the eighties were ace. Sh*t clothes, and mostly sh*t music…but the TV. Jeeeeeezz, I’m throbbing just thinking about it. The 80′s had the best tv shows ever. A-Team, Night Rider, Thundercats… Brilliant!
Now to be honest Chucky Boy could batter a dinosaur if it came to it. He’s just that hard. It’s said that he once punched a hole in the Earth and caused a massive earthquake thet killed almost everybody in a five mile radius. Whoever said that was lying, but that’s not the point. If he wanted to do it, Chucky Chuck Chuckster could do it. He-Man would be scared if the Chuck man challenged him to a fight, and He-Man has a sword and everything. The Mighty Norris laughs in the face of swords, and guns, and dinosaurs.
So there mr Cruise. He would take your smarmy little body and snap it like a twig if you pi**ed him off. Don’t mess with the man Tommy boy. It just isn’t worth it. You just run back to your closet and hide. You can’t act, you can’t dance, you can’t do pretty much anything… and you believe in fairy tales. Bless, it’s sort of sweet really. Sweet like a sick puppy with crusty stuff dried around it’s arse. Y’know, sweet but you wouldn’t want to touch it.
Gurka’s rights
Once again the pathetic, useless, thoughtless, pointless, worthless inbred government has royally fu*ked up in the eyes of the public. Mr Gordon ‘Shit-stain’ Brown has proven what a pathetic looser he is by denying hundreds of brave Gurkas residence in the UK.
Ok Mr Brown… so you’ll let some fecked up psychopathic Muslin extremist stay here, because your scared the twat might get his fingernails pulled out if he goes home, but you won’t let the very people who have fought along side out troops for years stay here…. clever!! How about you send people like Abu Hamza back to their own countries so they can be tortured (and for all I care butt-raped by a huge biker called Leeroy) and use the cash you save to build the Gurkas some luxury flats… Hell, all they want is the RIGHT to stay here. They don’t want special treatment. They’re not going to come here and sponge off the government. They just want a right to live in the country they’ve helped defend….. That’s not asking all that much!
Ship out the fu*king phsycos and let the nice ones in… it’s that simple! For once in your useless rein as prime minister do something useful…. something that isn’t about the economy. Because apart from that, Mr Brown is really quite pathetic….. It’s an awful thought though that the smarmy faced, rubber johnny that is David Cameron is the other option. For fecks sake, we might as well appoint a blind epileptic otter for all the good those two do!
Tom’s Woman Get’s a Mouthjob…
Woman-mate of the mighty intergalactic leader of the scientoliogists, Tom Cruise, has has allegedly had mouth surgery to make her look more like a bumpkin. Rumor has it that Tom insisted that his love prisoner got the surgery to make her appear more sexy to his under-developed mind. It has been suggested that Tom Cruise has something of a fetish for inbred southern truckers and wanted his beloved to resemble a man called ‘Edgar’ he once met in a truck-stop.
The insatiable Mr Cruise has reportedly had an obsession with big hairy truckers since his days working on Top Gun, the homo-erotic flying flick of the 80′s. It was there he first met the Touring WildBoys, a collection of 16stone+ truckers and bikers, keen on the man love and light Rock music. The fascination soon developed into more, with the slimy Mr Cruise allegedly forming close ‘friendships’ with a lorry driver named ‘Chuck Backdoor Benson’ and ‘Sticky Fingers Sam’.
However, things went pear-shaped for the trio when Tom was appointed as spokesman and ‘Big Daddy’ of the international (and monumentally fuc**d-up) group of religious fanatics and sci-fi writers, the scientoliogists. Both ‘Backdoor’ Benson, and Sticky Fingers thought Tom had gone a bit mental, so they decided to have no more to do with him and his silly ideas.
Now, with this latest revelation it seems that the greasy midget has lot the majority of his hairy friends… step up Mrs Cruise. Ever keen to help out the wretched midget wannabe actor, she agreed to have her teeth surgically altered to make him happy. The actors ‘Wife’ is said to be over the moon with her new toothy look and is said to be looking forward to riding her tiny fella’s meat mountain while growling like a bear.
A source close to the actors paperboy has reportedly been quoted as saying ‘Dang that dang goddand mudda fool, he gone and goddang went and fu**ed up her mouth, godagnagit!’, but this cannot be confirmed.
